The other day I was scheduled to work at 5 am. The weather is getting colder and riding days are limited, so I decided to ride the motorcycle to work. My normal routine for that shift is to stop at 7-11 for a cup of coffee on the way. Now since it’s a bit tough to drink coffee and ride, I left a little early. I pulled into the 7-11 at the same time as two other early birds. One of them, a middle-aged guy, with a long gray ponytail and baseball cap, beat me to the coffee. We exchanged a few meaningless pleasantries while filling our cups. He headed off to pay as I finished filling my cup. As I approached the register, I noticed he had left his wallet on the counter. I picked up his wallet and called out to him – he was outside, but I got his attention. He returned inside, took the wallet, and thanked me as he left again.
I paid for my coffee and headed outside. Figured I’d just hang out by my bike and enjoy my coffee in the cold morning air. I had exchanged a few texts before leaving, so I pulled out my cell phone to check it. As I was standing there, I noticed my pony-tailed friend was sitting in his car, a few spaces away, with the door still open. He then got out and came towards me. Now, a few years ago, had a longhaired dude approached me in a parking lot at 4:30 in the morning, I might have been a bit apprehensive. Now that I have a motorcycle that kind of thing happens often. As he approached, I wondered which conversation it would be – did he want to thank me again, talk about the motorcycle, or was he one of those Harley dudes that was going to “suggest” I get a real bike?
His tone caught me a little off guard. In an agitated manner, he said something to the effect of “dude, when you called me back, they saw me on the surveillance cameras and hit me with a jolt.”
A little surprised, I replied, “Excuse me?”
“When you called me, I turned around and they saw me on the surveillance camera and hit me with…” he hesitated and looked away as he searched for his big words – wait for it, “…an Electro-magnetic Humiliation Shock. It was a heavy jolt…didn’t you feel it? Bzzzzzt…” As he made his electric shock noise he feigned a seizure for full effect.
I wasn’t sure yet if he was a certified wacko or just messing with me, but I decided it was best to hold back the laughter at this point. Still sizing this guy up, and a bit confused, I asked, “Who hit you, the guy inside?”
“No man, the feds!” he replied rather irritated. “Don’t you see the surveillance cameras?” He pointed to the camera on the corner of the building, and continued. “They put them everywhere. They’re always watching.” About this time, the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes had my “wacko alarm” at full alert. I slowly and quietly closed my cell phone and slipped it into my pocket. Didn’t want him mistaking it for some disguised, high-tech conspiratorial weapon – might suddenly decide I was one of “them.” Heck, maybe I even alerted “them” and then set him up for his humiliation shock.
“Yeah man," he continued, “they put those cameras everywhere and then when they have a chance they hit you with a jolt.” Then he pointed to the power lines. “See that extra loop in the power line? That’s called a ‘Scientific Eddie.’ That’s a known fact in the scientific and physics world. Those are what they use to jolt you. That’s what they’re really for.”
As I stood gazing up at the Scientific Eddie, my stream of consciousness strayed for some reason, and for a moment I was thinking about the Addams Family…or was it the Munsters…get them mixed up…and wondering if the son was named Eddie in one of the shows…really don’t remember…and was his “thing” something electric related? Did this wacko name these after him? No idea, doesn't matter, but I remember Morticia, the mom, was kind of hot. Focus man – Electric Eddies.
“Bzzzt.” My friend was having another electric seizure. “Did you feel that? They’re hitting us with another jolt. It’s pretty strong man.”
He stared pretty intently at me, waiting for my response. “No, sorry man, I didn’t feel anything. I guess my senses just aren’t as tuned in to the danger as yours are.”
Apparently, not realizing I was mocking him in my own subtle, sarcastic manner he gave me a final warning. “Watch out man, those motherf**kers are everywhere. They watch everything, then they get you.”
“Thanks for the warning buddy. I’ll be on the lookout now and definitely be a lot more careful.”
After getting in his car, he then drove the length of the shopping center very slowly. No doubt checking for additional cameras, and all the while, addressing the “feds” directly (at the top of his lungs) in a rather profane manner. As he circled back, I decided maybe my coffee needed a little more cream.
Be careful out there people, keep an eye out for those cameras and beware the Scientific Eddies. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
I paid for my coffee and headed outside. Figured I’d just hang out by my bike and enjoy my coffee in the cold morning air. I had exchanged a few texts before leaving, so I pulled out my cell phone to check it. As I was standing there, I noticed my pony-tailed friend was sitting in his car, a few spaces away, with the door still open. He then got out and came towards me. Now, a few years ago, had a longhaired dude approached me in a parking lot at 4:30 in the morning, I might have been a bit apprehensive. Now that I have a motorcycle that kind of thing happens often. As he approached, I wondered which conversation it would be – did he want to thank me again, talk about the motorcycle, or was he one of those Harley dudes that was going to “suggest” I get a real bike?
His tone caught me a little off guard. In an agitated manner, he said something to the effect of “dude, when you called me back, they saw me on the surveillance cameras and hit me with a jolt.”
A little surprised, I replied, “Excuse me?”
“When you called me, I turned around and they saw me on the surveillance camera and hit me with…” he hesitated and looked away as he searched for his big words – wait for it, “…an Electro-magnetic Humiliation Shock. It was a heavy jolt…didn’t you feel it? Bzzzzzt…” As he made his electric shock noise he feigned a seizure for full effect.
I wasn’t sure yet if he was a certified wacko or just messing with me, but I decided it was best to hold back the laughter at this point. Still sizing this guy up, and a bit confused, I asked, “Who hit you, the guy inside?”
“No man, the feds!” he replied rather irritated. “Don’t you see the surveillance cameras?” He pointed to the camera on the corner of the building, and continued. “They put them everywhere. They’re always watching.” About this time, the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes had my “wacko alarm” at full alert. I slowly and quietly closed my cell phone and slipped it into my pocket. Didn’t want him mistaking it for some disguised, high-tech conspiratorial weapon – might suddenly decide I was one of “them.” Heck, maybe I even alerted “them” and then set him up for his humiliation shock.
“Yeah man," he continued, “they put those cameras everywhere and then when they have a chance they hit you with a jolt.” Then he pointed to the power lines. “See that extra loop in the power line? That’s called a ‘Scientific Eddie.’ That’s a known fact in the scientific and physics world. Those are what they use to jolt you. That’s what they’re really for.”
As I stood gazing up at the Scientific Eddie, my stream of consciousness strayed for some reason, and for a moment I was thinking about the Addams Family…or was it the Munsters…get them mixed up…and wondering if the son was named Eddie in one of the shows…really don’t remember…and was his “thing” something electric related? Did this wacko name these after him? No idea, doesn't matter, but I remember Morticia, the mom, was kind of hot. Focus man – Electric Eddies.
“Bzzzt.” My friend was having another electric seizure. “Did you feel that? They’re hitting us with another jolt. It’s pretty strong man.”
He stared pretty intently at me, waiting for my response. “No, sorry man, I didn’t feel anything. I guess my senses just aren’t as tuned in to the danger as yours are.”
Apparently, not realizing I was mocking him in my own subtle, sarcastic manner he gave me a final warning. “Watch out man, those motherf**kers are everywhere. They watch everything, then they get you.”
“Thanks for the warning buddy. I’ll be on the lookout now and definitely be a lot more careful.”
After getting in his car, he then drove the length of the shopping center very slowly. No doubt checking for additional cameras, and all the while, addressing the “feds” directly (at the top of his lungs) in a rather profane manner. As he circled back, I decided maybe my coffee needed a little more cream.
Be careful out there people, keep an eye out for those cameras and beware the Scientific Eddies. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Note: The author would like to make it clear that he believes mental illness of any nature is a serious and unfortunate condition. Manifestations of mental illness, in any form, are not a laughing matter. Nonetheless, it was damn funny.
